it's hard. it's a struggle. i'm in pain.

so yesterday was ama-zing (well, some parts)! i love my fellow youth group members to death. :) we didn't really do that much for work day, just cleaned out one closet. we were done in maybe one and a half hours? then we sat around and talked, ate pizza, watched funny and not-so-funny videos, talked some more...you get the picture.

then came time for our actual service to start. we did something i haven't seen since church camp a few months ago: the prayer chair. in other words, we all sit down in chairs and there's one single chair at the front. whoever wants to goes up there and tells what their struggles are and what they need prayer for. then the rest of us go up, lay hands on them, and pray over them. i'm not gonna lie, it's extremely difficult. but it's absolutely worth it. i did it several nights at camp, and i was so close to doing it last night (for ana). but guess what? the second i got up there, my youth pastor asked me to go sit back down, and told us it was time to leave. my thoughts?

"no! i refuse to get down! if i don't do this now, i never will! i've been working up courage all night! please, i'm begging you!"

but of course, i went and sat down. my friend with ana/mia just happened to be sitting next to me, and she gave me a sympathetic look. i found out later that she was gonna go right after me. :'( man, how i wish that could've happened. i can see it in her eyes that she needs it. so can a few other people, apparently, because she was asked several times if she was ok (she lied).

and then i couldn't go to sleep when i got home. i tried and tried for maybe 30 minutes, but i eventually gave up and just got on facebook (bad habit!). and of course, my friend was on. we talked for a little bit, and she told me she finally can make herself throw-up. let's just say i cried a little bit upon hearing that. i asked her to please not try again and she said something along the lines of "are you trying to convince me not to?" i finally just gave up and told her that i was crying, but i'd rather hear truth that makes me cry than lies so i won't. she told me "ok, i'm going to try it. probably not tonight, maybe tomorrow." which made me cry even harder, knowing that i can't help her. but at least i have the truth.

so after maybe 11:30 i tried to go back to bed. i ended up crying (shocker) and pacing around my room thinking this:

"God, why did you do this!? she's SUFFERING! i'm SUFFERING! nothing good can possibly come out of this! i hate this mess, i hate what i've become, i hate my life right now! (no i'm not suicidal) why won't you change her? make her strong, make her see how beautiful she is! i can't be her rock, i'm not strong enough. i can't heal her, i'm not powerful enough. i can't be her everything, i'm not enough. God, TAKE IT!"

at one point i reached the spot where i almost committed suicide but heard God's voice and knelt down and cried and cried and cried. i didn't hear His voice again.

i did fall asleep though, maybe around midnight...? it wasn't fun, i'll tell you that. didn't get much of a good sleep either.

xoxo,

isis